You have the good fortune to have come to the Ministry of Homosexual Affair’s Official website.
Our main task at the Ministry is to promote the Gay Agenda. Our aim is to recruit and indoctrinate. We know it is very difficult not being a gay and although science and lady gaga claim that homosexuals were “born that way”, we are convinced we can teach you:
Good gay!
Brian Tamaki you have changed me. I now realize the power of a sort-of-kind-of apology and I am ready to make mine. I watched you in all your fake tan authenticity, make your apology in front of hundreds of adoring subjects, in your own bedazzled castle resplendent with dead deer antlers – how brave of you. And now too, inspired as I am, I make my own apology.
Dear Straight People – This Is My Unreserved Letter of Regret at Your Interpretation of My Words
Yes, in the past I may not have sauntered so graciously in my Robert Muldoon starched slacks as I uttered a few minimal utterances about you. It may have slipped my gifted tongue that I equated you and your point of existence to a punctured tyre on a fish.
But that was long ago
I may even have said that straight people caused the Kardashians and the fragmentation of Gondwanaland
But that was just my opinion – I certainly don’t not believe it now.
I may even have told you to hurry up and be gay so I can get to my favourite hobby of railing against shandy and writing your obituary.
That’s behind us now
The timing of my full and heartfelt sort of signal of regret has absolutely nothing to do of course, with the Ministry launching the Dictatorship & Ideology Party with me as Pope. That’s just a strange and wacky coincidence.
Look, I’ll have you know that I genuinely and tentatively like everyone, as much as it may move my bowels and cause an allergic reaction that can best be described as an internal volcanic eruption of extreme loathing – but I hold it in out of sort of love.
Here and now I say it – I am genuinely wallowing in regret that you took my words above and somehow put them together in some strange unworldly order to suggest that I, the Minister of Homosexual Affairs, the embodiment of love and light, would feel anything other than reluctant tolerance towards you.
I absolutely sort of, kind of like you within the turmoil of my tolerance. Of course I have not changed my views that you are indeed wrong and need to be saved – my bounteous pity knows no bounds.
Thank you Brian.
It turns out it won’t be raining on this year’s gay parade in the country of Seoul which is situated in Asia just west of Greenland. Apparently there were a lot of upset people who got their cheap underwear in a
big old twist about this little meander through Seoul’s grey but soon to be gay streets. Apparently these very upset people managed to have the authorities ban this year’s parade. Well, you should have heard them. There were roars, screams, crying, more tantrums than a day care centre and some not very ministerial language at all. Tut tut tut, there, there, there straight people, it will be all right – the minister is here.
I of course had the Ministry of Homosexual Affairs research division head down and canvas some of these puffing opponents. It turns out their red faced ranting is due to a severe case of good, 
old fashioned jealousy. Yes my breeding cousins, the Ministry understands you.
Given the minority status of straight people in our homonormative world, I thought I would use my well considered but hardly ever used platform to give some back ground to the plight of these poor and disgruntled.
Straight Parade History 101
It all begin about the time of Stonewall in New York, circa 1969. If you look at photos then you will realize that the whole world was black and white. But then along came the gays. So entertaining, vibrant and outrageously naughty were their parades the world became filled with colour (its true just look at all the photos taken in the 70’s – all colour). The straights of course got very jealous – ‘but what about us?” They screamed. ‘What about our rights and our identity’ they haughtily hooted.
So not to be beaten they created their own parade. The problem was, these poor hapless pedestrains didn’t have the highly effective cliches we had – ‘people on bikes’, ‘cheerpeople’, ‘sailor people’ and ‘dancing people’ just didn’t have the same dramatic thrust to them. Yes, we gays certainly do have the monopoly on fun and effective cliches. And then of course there was the branding – ‘We’re straight and we’re here’ just does not fall from the tongue gracefully now does it. They did try ‘we’re straight and we’re mates’ but that sounded too gay. So they were in a gigantic feces shaped muddle.
When they eventually did have their parade it was a total disaster. Yes the streets were full but pedestrians and paraders couldn’t tell the difference between each other. You see, all straight people look the same. It might as well had been just another day.
So the Straight Parade Committee held a post disaster meeting. Heads were scratched, perplexed looks were had and many tears fell on the vinyl floor, but to no avail, they all might as well have been white walls standing in front of other white walls and as useful as a pencil at a meeting of computer keyboards.
But one brave soul stood up amongst the doldrum of despair and said something that will go down in straight history for ever – ‘we have 364 days of straight parades’. This modern marvel of straightness had hit the nail right on the head – everyday is a straight parade. From that day on, the straights were happy, because, you see they knew they could walk outside, hold their heads high in the understanding that for 364 days a year, 24 hours a day, they could always celebrate their straightness, as undefined and boring as that was. Everyday is a straight parade.
The 2015 Seoul GLBTQ Pride Parade
We at the Ministry send our most sincere condolences to you straight people. It must be tortuous knowing you are a dying, unpopular and hugely unfashionable culture, but, might you also get this message. I am sure you were a tad peeved off that a Seoul district court saw fit to throw out the ban on the gay parade – apparently it wasn’t dangerous to the public after all.
Please don’t be jealous however, you have all the time in the world to hold you own parade and 
celebrate your own straightness and identity – such as it is. Perhaps you might like to choose another time to do this and not get so envious. Last year, God, who is nearly as important as me, chose not to precipitate on the gay parade. In fact, given the golden sunshine I would say he was rather pleased with it.
You have 364 days in the year to old your own straight parade. All you have to do is leave the house.
Good Gay!
I never wanted to get married. But I am perfectly and spiffingly ok with others getting married, even breeders. Not of course for those working in the hallowed halls of the Ministry – now thats just silly, MOHA staff are far too busy. However, for anyone else – yes.
So it strikes me a bit strange that the conservative Christians in South Korea of late have been a tad anxious. I myself, the Minister of Homosexual Affairs was taking a stroll in the city of South Korea the other day as my MOHA litter division were taking a pesky government mandated tea break. And to my shock and surprise I saw these conservative Christians getting their over sized cream coloured knickers in a twist. They were walking down the road, holding placards, carrying banners and they seemed a bit angry. They were of course preaching love as these types of people are apt to do but then so does a dragon smile at your before it unleashes its fire.
What I heard from these intimidating yet sexually insecure people was quite extraordinary. Apparently if gay marriage happens all sorts of other terrible things will also happen. So, I went back to the Ministry’s research division, and had them get their beakers and bunsen burners on the case to look into these future catastrophic events.
Here is their research results:
1) ‘The Sky Will Fall in’ – actually there have been rather a lot of countries such as Canada, Belgium, Sweden, South Africa, Uruguay, New Zealand, Portugal, Iceland Argentina – just to name a few who have gay marriage. Apparently we all share the same sky so my researchers tell me. So that should answer that question.
2) ‘You don’t have to get a gay marriage’ – if you are not gay (God knows why you wouldn’t want to be but if you do, just give the Ministry’s Gay Recruitment Team a call and they will be round in a jiffy) you actually don’t have to get a gay marriage. This applies if you are not already married – you won’t be forced to get a gay wedding, and if you are already married to the opposite sex – you won’t be made to divorce. I am told that if your marriage is already a tad messy like the fried ministerial egg that dropped on the floor as I was depositing it from my spatula to my plate, gay marriage will not make it any worse.
3) ‘Think of the children’ – shockingly, all children are born when a man and a woman hold their pinkies together. Even gay people were conceived the same way. My research division tells me this won’t change if we have gay marriage. In the case of adoption if two women adopt a child and that child becomes gay because of social modelling, well, it seems to me that being straight too then would also be a case of social modelling. Whatever the case, my research team also tell me that straight people also don’t have a monopoly on good parenting, in fact quite the opposite. Gay parents choose to have children which means they have prepared very well and have taken at least 3 trips to Ikea before the stalk drops around.
4) It Will Destroy the Sanctity of the Institution of Marriage – see point 2
5) Marriage is Traditionally between a Man and a Woman and if You Don’t Believe that Argument then ‘Marriage is a Religious Institution’ – its like saying that because we have always had murders in society we should keep it up. Since these conservative Christians are holding, fists clenched, to straight marriage we should also point out that wife beating and wife slavery is also ‘traditional’. Cleaning our teeth is not traditional yet the Ministry’s Teeth Division recommend that you should brush at least once a month. As for religion, well, I am ably told by my research division that marriage transcends history, culture, ethnicity and yes religion. We have always had it whether religion was around peaking its pesky head above the ramparts, or not. We will also always have marriage whether gays get married or not.
Good gay!
Korea continues to be an inspiration for the Ministry of Homosexual Affairs. And while we don’t approve of the country’s goals we are in absolute Ministerial love with its methods. Did you know that currently Korea has found a fascinatingly effective way to get rid of gay people? So pressured by the conservative christian right, the South Korean Educational Ministry has come up with a full proof method to get rid of all gays and make sure we never rear our show tune singing heads again. 
It really would be far more exciting if rather than using this insightful technique on sexually innocent and confused children, they try it on mulleted farmers in Texas or black leather tassel collectors in New Zealand’s West Auckland.
Its all very simple really, they begin their programme at school level. 
Teachers in South Korea are banned from even mentioning the existence of gays. They are instructed, quite simply, to say: “what little Junior? Gays, whats a gay, never heard of them/it.” Yes, say it isn’t true, and it won’t be, just not there, not even up in a cloud of smoke (that would be poofy). Deny, deny, deny – Student: “Whats that, I feel a bout of homosexuality coming on”. Teacher: ‘Yes thats a brand new disease called homolitis, take two aspirin and call me in the morning.”
http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/south-korea-schools-banned-teaching-about-homosexuality020415
So inspired is the Ministry’s Gay Recruitment Division that we have sent a Ministerial delegation across to those multi coloured shores to closely examine this phenomena and see if we can use it to recruit more homosexuals and promote the Gay Agenda. Additionally, we are also trying some experiments ourselves. Yes, teams from the Division are current enroute to a Welsh Mining Town, an Alabama line dance convention and Uganda. We surmise, if this brilliant technique can work on children why not adults? We are going to waltz on in and tell these breeding straights they don’t exist with large Ministerial issued smiles on our faces. We think it will work.
We also wonder if this technique can transfer from people, to animals and then objects. If indeed Non Existence Therapy does indeed work, the Ministry has already set about to work the magic on a huge range of other bothersome nitty grittys we would all like to see the back off. Here are just some:
Paris HiltonGood Gay!
There is a lot of nincompoop and hysterical rantings going on on and in the internet recently about embroidered gold trimmed tassels, IVF babies and garish handbags. Apparently one of these things is not traditional? Dolce and Gabbana made a little bit of a ruckus, something about a mother and a father being the only ones who could raise a child and they apparently have about as much love for IVF as you would have for a dead rat in your bed.
Apparently, the say the problem with all of the above is they are not ‘traditional’. Enough said – well thought out, logical, brilliantly argued and completely defendable answer. Using the world ‘traditional’ in times of any disagreement is of course Ministry policy and we encourage its use. If you get caught speeding, mention to the annoying police officer, anywhere in the conversation the word ‘traditional’ and you are sure to get off. Once you use the word ‘traditional’ anyone arguing won’t have a gold trimmed leg to stand on.
Given that 2 parents of the same sex and IVF are clearly wrong because they are not ‘traditional’ we here at the ministry have taken the liberty to suggest other ‘traditional’ practices that Sirs Dolce and Gabbana might like to implement in their daily traditional lives:
As we all know that naughty woman or perhaps a naughty women bit into the forbidden fruit, it is traditional and best that, as the bible quotes that no women should be permitted “to teach or have authority over men; she is to keep silent.” Given of course that all women should be slaves, that shouldn’t be too hard. If of course you also happened to have a daughter, its traditional to make a bit of pocket money by selling her into slavery as well.
Its absolutely traditional to wear sacred underwear that protects believers from spiritual contamination and fire and speeding bullets. Dolce and Gabbana should like that one.
Foot binding for all women. It might be a little bit difficult to pop down to the shop but do it – its traditional.
And last but not least – its completely and utterly traditional to wear a one piece. Yes, if its good enough for our cave fore fathers it should be good enough for Dolce and Gabbana who, lets face it, need a bit of traditional inspiration anyway.Good Gay!
Prisons make you gay. We had no idea! I quickly fired my Head of Gay Recruitment – why didn’t we know this. If it was that easy it would have changed our whole policy at the Ministry.
After that well considered and scientifically quoting 
Dr Ben Carson made his well considered and scientific quote that prisons make you gay, well, we could not have warranted the response. Thousands upon thousands of breeders have been shop lifting soccer balls, beating up security guards in the street, burning random flags and turning themselves in all in the hope of having their sexual misfortunes changed in prison. Yes, straight people are flocking to prisons to turn gay.
The Ministry of course does not condone or accept chaos IN ANY FORM. Its messy, bad bad BAD!!! The other day the Mail Boy was wearing a tie with too many stripes, I mean, for GODS SAKE!!
Being the humanatarium, righteous and proactive Ministry that we are, we have henceforth bought up as many prisons as we can find. Gay prisons of course. Why make it so hard to be gay we say. Just let these poor sexually strugglers in for free!! Pop in for a spell of incarceration. Come, be merry, its all fun and fairyment here!
Good Gay!
Isn’t the most important thing our sexuality? I ask of course I know because I set the policy at the Ministry of Homosexual Affairs – well of course it bloody is. We are gay gay gay and gay. We are gay when we drink our coffee, gay when when we get our nose hairs clipped, gay when we sharpen our pencils, gay when we pay our bills and gay when we clean lint of our starched Ministry jackets.
Jase Peeples a writer at a gay gay magazine called The Advocate wrote an op ed about naming our sexuality. We should shout it from the roof tops he argues. Here here and here. Absolutely! Which is why the Ministry has recently advocated for the advocation of other particpiants in our society – yes objects. 
There are objects in our world that arn’t able to proclaim their whole-being sexual identity. We are fighting hard at the Ministry to mandate sexual identity signs for all those who can’t talk for themselves: speedos, macaroons, The Sound of Music, small dogs, gay best friends, New York, cooking, sex, sex in kitchens. All these things are gay gay gay.
Please read the full article here:
http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2015/02/26/op-ed-yes-it-matters-when-we-say-gay
Good Gay!
There was a loud, rapturous show of applause in the Ministry of Homosexual Affair’s Gay Recruitment Asia division. Hands slapped backs accompanied by high pitched air kissing to make it appropriately gay as the news hit the Ministry of our success in the East Asian country of South Korea. What’s South Korea I hear you say? Admittedly I had to look on a map – apparently South Korea is not North Korea where sadly, they have many other things to think about other than a sexual revolution such as not dying.
South Korea formally famous for cabbage is also now also known for its lesbians. Yes we here at the Ministry, under my careful, caring tutelage have created our first lesbians ever in this formally and sadly, grey and straight society. Evidence for our humble ground breaking success came in the form of a kiss on a Korean TV drama. 
Yes, they were our lesbians – I feel I was right there with them (but not actually kissing them because that would be just yucky). Our East Asian Division have infiltrated the country at every level – oh I hear you ask, the President of South Korea is an unmarried woman who dresses badly – well well well, wink wink wink.
Along with having McDonalds insert pink beets into their hamburgers and inventing the rhinestone studded condom, we feel this is just another success by the Ministry and its righteous mission. There has been controversy of course in the country. Breeders up and down the country are jumping up and down of their flabby bottoms decrying the advent of ‘the lesbian’. You can be assured that these sad, utterly depressing creatures who have yet to discover their true gay selves will soon receive a visit from the Ministry’s Gay Recruitment Team.
South Korea – the Gay Agenda is coming your way.
Good Gay!
(Click here for more South Korean Lesbian news and some yucky lesbian kissing)
http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/korea-tv-gets-first-lesbian-kiss-and-its-epic270215
Its official, researchers have confirmed the blinkin obvious that being gay will stop you from dying. Its all true, I am not dead yet – I am proof. Its all very simple all you have to do is sing show tunes. Show tunes are gay as are small dogs, wardrobes, cliches and anything bought from Ikea. If there is not Ikea in your country – you are in straight hell. Therefore, the link is quite simple.
Click here to find out how you can be gay and live longer.
Could your husband be gay even if he wasn’t? I don’t have a husband, it would distract from my all important Ministerial work but if I did, he most definitely could be and most probably, indefinitely might not be.
Recently a lot of fuss and nonsense has surrounded the Mormon reality show ‘My Husband’s Not Gay’, which profiles straight woman and their gay husbands who insist that they most definitely could be, probably straight if they weren’t gay or something like that. Its all confusing really.
And then George Takei decided to add to this quality television idea with a gay version, or perhaps a straight version of a gay reality show – oh I don’t know. His show is called ‘My Husband’s Not Straight’ which details poor, lost straight souls being saved into gay alliances.
God bless.
Of course, stuff and nonsense aside, both George Takei and the Mormons are absolutely and completely right. Its just as simple and relatively straight forward to make a gay straight as it is for gays to bend straights.
As I have outlined before in official Ministry blogs, our full proof gay recruitment techniques are 100% effective. I strongly urge you to read up on our ‘Gay Recruitment’ page of some of these advanced techniques.
If we’re doing it, why shouldn’t the Mormons?
http://moha.me/gay-recruitment/
Good gay!
Ministry of Homosexual Affairs 