Everyday is a Straight Parade

It turns out it won’t be raining on this year’s gay parade in the country of Seoul which is situated in Asia just west of Greenland.  Apparently there were a lot of upset people who got their cheap underwear in aafp-f28f799ea7b3f1d4a863293474a6149efd7dc9f2 big old twist about this little meander through Seoul’s grey but soon to be gay streets.  Apparently these very upset people managed to have the authorities ban this year’s parade.  Well, you should have heard them.  There were roars, screams, crying, more tantrums than a day care centre and some not very ministerial language at all.  Tut tut tut, there, there, there straight people, it will be all right – the minister is here.

I of course had the Ministry of Homosexual Affairs research division head down and canvas some of these puffing opponents.  It turns out their red faced ranting is due to a severe case of good, 92-380x260old fashioned jealousy.  Yes my breeding cousins, the Ministry understands you.

Given the minority status of straight people in our homonormative world, I thought I would use my well considered but hardly ever used platform to give some back ground to the plight of these poor and disgruntled.

Straight Parade History 101

Stonewall-Riots-June-28-1969-2It all begin about the time of Stonewall in New York, circa 1969.  If you look at photos then you will realize that the whole world was black and white.  But then along came the gays.  So entertaining, vibrant and outrageously naughty were their parades the world became filled with colour (its true just look at all the photos taken in the 70’s – all colour).  The straights of course got very jealous – ‘but what about us?” They screamed.  ‘What about our rights and our identity’ they haughtily  hooted.

200807071015So not to be beaten they created their own parade. The problem was, these poor hapless pedestrains didn’t have the highly effective cliches we had –  ‘people on bikes’, ‘cheerpeople’, ‘sailor people’ and ‘dancing people’ just didn’t have the same dramatic thrust to them.  Yes, we gays certainly do have the monopoly on fun and effective cliches.  And then of course there was the branding – ‘We’re straight and we’re here’ just does not fall from the tongue gracefully now does it. They did try ‘we’re straight and we’re mates’ but that sounded too gay.  So they were in a gigantic feces shaped muddle.

straight-pride-copieWhen they eventually did have their parade it was a total disaster.   Yes the streets were full but pedestrians and paraders couldn’t tell the difference between each other.  You see, all straight people look the same.  It might as well had been just another day.

So the Straight Parade Committee held a post disaster meeting.  Heads were scratched, perplexed looks were had and many tears fell on the vinyl  floor, but to no avail, they all might as well have been white walls standing in front of other white walls and as useful as a pencil at a meeting of computer keyboards.

But one brave soul stood up amongst the doldrum of despair and said something that will go down in straight history for ever – ‘we have 364 days of straight parades’.  This modern marvel of straightness had hit the nail right on the head – everyday is a straight parade.   From that day on, the straights were happy, because, you see they knew they could walk outside, hold their heads high in the understanding that for 364 days a year, 24 hours a day, they could always celebrate their straightness, as undefined and boring as that was. Everyday is a straight parade.

The 2015 Seoul GLBTQ Pride Parade

450(71)We at the Ministry send our most sincere condolences to you straight people.  It must be tortuous knowing you are a dying, unpopular and hugely unfashionable culture, but, might you also get this message.  I am sure you were a tad peeved off that a Seoul district court saw fit to throw out the ban on the gay parade – apparently it wasn’t dangerous to the public after all.

Please don’t be jealous however, you have all the time in the world to hold you own parade and P1600879celebrate your own straightness and identity – such as it is. Perhaps you might like to choose another time to do this and not get so envious.  Last year, God, who is nearly as important as me, chose not to precipitate on the gay parade.  In fact, given the golden sunshine I would say he was rather pleased with it.

You have 364 days in the year to old your own straight parade.  All you have to do is leave the house.

Good Gay!


A Tad Angry

I never wanted to get married.  But I am perfectly and spiffingly ok with others getting married, even breeders.  Not of course for those working in the hallowed halls of the Ministry – now thats just silly, MOHA staff are far too busy.  However, for anyone else – yes.

korea1So it strikes me a bit strange that the conservative Christians in South Korea of late have been a tad anxious.  I myself, the Minister of Homosexual Affairs was taking a stroll in the city of South Korea the other day as my MOHA litter division were taking a pesky government mandated tea break.  And to my shock and surprise I saw these conservative Christians getting their over sized cream coloured knickers in a twist. They were walking down the road, holding placards, carrying banners and they seemed a bit angry.  They were of course preaching love as these types of people are apt to do but then so does a dragon smile at your before it unleashes its fire.

What I heard from these intimidating yet sexually insecure people was quite extraordinary.  Apparently if gay marriage happens all sorts of other terrible things will also happen.  So, I went back to the Ministry’s research division, and had them get their beakers and bunsen burners on the case to look into these future catastrophic events.

Here is  their research results:

1)   ‘The Sky Will Fall in’ – actually there have been rather a lot of countries such as Canada,     Belgium, Sweden, South Africa, Uruguay,  New Zealand, Portugal, Iceland Argentina – just to name a few who have gay marriage.  Apparently we all share the same sky so my researchers tell me.  So that should answer that question.

la-0606-pin122)   ‘You don’t have to get a gay marriage’ – if you are not gay (God knows why you wouldn’t want to be but if you do, just give the Ministry’s Gay Recruitment Team a call and they will be round in a jiffy) you actually don’t have to get a gay marriage.  This applies if you are not already married – you won’t be forced to get a gay wedding, and if you are already married to the opposite sex – you won’t be made to divorce.  I am told that if your marriage is already a tad messy like the fried ministerial egg that dropped on the floor as I was depositing it from my spatula to my plate, gay marriage will not make it any worse.

3)   ‘Think of the children’ – shockingly, all children are born when a man and a woman hold their pinkies together.  Even gay people were conceived the same way. My research division tells me this won’t change if we have gay marriage.  In the case of adoption if two women adopt a child and that child becomes gay because of social modelling, well, it seems to me that being straight too then would also be a case of social modelling.  Whatever the case, my research team also tell me that straight people also don’t have a monopoly on good parenting, in fact quite the opposite.  Gay parents choose to have children which means they have prepared very well and have taken at least 3 trips to Ikea before the stalk drops around.

4)   It Will Destroy the Sanctity of the Institution of Marriage –  see point 2

6a00d8341c730253ef01b7c71fdb0a970b5)   Marriage is Traditionally between a Man and a Woman and if You Don’t Believe that Argument then ‘Marriage is a Religious Institution’  –  its like saying that because we have always had murders in society we should keep it up.  Since these conservative Christians are holding, fists clenched, to straight marriage we should also point out that wife beating and wife slavery is also ‘traditional’.  Cleaning our teeth is not traditional yet the Ministry’s Teeth Division recommend that you should brush at least once a month.  As for religion, well, I am ably told by my research  division that marriage transcends history, culture, ethnicity and yes religion.  We have always had it whether religion was around peaking its pesky head above the ramparts, or not.  We will also always have marriage whether gays get married or not.

Good gay!


Educate the Straight Away

slide_221977_894712_free-1Korea continues to be an inspiration for the Ministry of Homosexual Affairs.  And while we don’t approve of the country’s goals we are in absolute Ministerial love with its methods. Did you know that currently Korea has found a fascinatingly effective way to get rid of gay people?  So pressured by the conservative christian right, the South Korean Educational Ministry has come up with a full proof method to get rid of all gays and make sure we never rear our show tune singing heads again. Mullet_redneck It really would be far more exciting if rather than using this insightful technique on sexually innocent and confused children, they try it on mulleted farmers in Texas or black leather tassel collectors in New Zealand’s West Auckland.

Its all very simple really, they begin their programme at school level.  shhhh-feature-featureTeachers in South Korea are banned from even mentioning the existence of gays.  They are instructed, quite simply, to say: “what little Junior?  Gays, whats a gay, never heard of them/it.”   Yes, say it isn’t true, and it won’t be, just not there, not even up in a cloud of smoke (that would be poofy). Deny, deny, deny –  Student: “Whats that, I feel a bout of homosexuality coming on”.  Teacher: ‘Yes thats a brand new disease called homolitis, take two aspirin and call me in the morning.”


84651f61b678e0c999aeae2496da22a1-2So inspired is the Ministry’s Gay Recruitment Division that we have sent a Ministerial delegation across to those multi coloured shores to closely examine this phenomena and see if we can use it to recruit more homosexuals and promote the Gay Agenda.  Additionally, we are also trying some experiments ourselves. Yes, teams from the Division are current enroute to a Welsh Mining Town, an Alabama line dance convention and Uganda.  We surmise, if this brilliant technique can work on children why not adults? We are going to waltz on in and tell these breeding straights they don’t exist with large Ministerial issued smiles on our faces.  We think it will work.

We also wonder if this technique can transfer from people, to animals and then objects.  If indeed Non Existence Therapy does indeed work, the Ministry has already set about to work the magic on a huge range of other bothersome nitty grittys we would all like to see the back off. Here are just some:

  • Tassles, rhinestones and tight black leather jeans
  • The word ‘cow’, cows are fine but the word sounds ridiculous
  • Tupperware
  • Homophobia
  • Madonna doing the splits
  • Anything that uses a pastel colour
  • Pastel colours
  • Westboro Baptist Church
  • Paris Hilton's Birthday PartyParis Hilton
  • Small barky pug dogs

Good Gay!

Top Traditional Living Tips for Dolce and Gabbana

There is a lot of nincompoop and hysterical rantings going on on and in the internet recently about  embroidered gold trimmed tassels, IVF babies and garish handbags.  Apparently one of these things is not traditional? Dolce and Gabbana made a little bit of a ruckus, something about a mother and a father being the only ones who could raise a child and they apparently have about as much love for IVF as you would have for a dead rat in your bed.

ThaipusamApparently, the say the problem with all of the above is they are not ‘traditional’.  Enough said – well thought out, logical, brilliantly argued and completely defendable answer.  Using the world ‘traditional’ in times of any disagreement is of course Ministry policy and we encourage its use.  If you get caught speeding, mention to the annoying police officer, anywhere in the conversation the word ‘traditional’ and you are sure to get off.  Once you use the word ‘traditional’ anyone arguing won’t have a gold trimmed leg to stand on.

Given that 2 parents of the same sex and IVF are clearly wrong because they are not ‘traditional’ we here at the ministry have taken the liberty to suggest other ‘traditional’ practices that Sirs Dolce and Gabbana might like to implement in their daily traditional lives:

  • Contemporary_wife_selling_print_georgian_scrapbook_1949As we all know that naughty woman or perhaps a naughty women bit into the forbidden fruit, it is traditional and best that, as the bible quotes that no women should be permitted “to teach or have authority over men; she is to keep silent.”  Given of course that all women should be slaves, that shouldn’t be too hard.  If of course you also happened to have a daughter, its traditional to make a bit of pocket money by selling her into slavery as well.
  • In fact its all most compulsory and certainly traditional to always have slaves.  Go ahead, have slaves.  men and women in fact, provided of course, that you purchase them from neighbouring countries.
  • Screen Shot 2015-03-19 at 9.24.27 AMIts absolutely traditional to wear sacred underwear that protects believers from spiritual contamination and fire and speeding bullets.  Dolce and Gabbana should like that one.
  •  What ever you do its completely not traditional to for a man to look at woman or a woman look at a man it is completely adulterous and certainly not TRADITIONAL. Thank god we live in a homonormative world.
  • 596441-001Foot binding for all women.  It might be a little bit difficult to pop down to the shop but do it – its traditional.
  • It might be best also to listen to god, if you don’t then apparently its traditional, as punishment to eat your babies.  Its not said however how you are supposed to eat them, of course, I will get the Ministry to look at culinary options.  While we are at it, if you don’t have kids but you don’t listen to God, do you have to eat other people’s babies?  All very confusing but as its all traditional, I am sure we can work it out.
  • Got a cold, get rid of some blood!  Got an ingrained toe nail, cut a hole in it and let out some blood!  Yes ‘blood letting’ is a traditional and therefore a medically sound way of curing just about anything.  I wonder if we can cure straight people this way?  I will get the Ministry’s Science division to run some tests.
  • fred-flintstone_2-2And last but not least – its completely and utterly traditional to wear a one piece.  Yes, if its good enough for our cave fore fathers it should be good enough for Dolce and Gabbana who, lets face it, need a bit of traditional inspiration anyway.

Good Gay!




Ministry Buys Gay Prisons

Prisons make you gay.  We had no idea!  I quickly fired my Head of Gay Recruitment – why didn’t we know this. If it was that easy it would have changed our whole policy at the Ministry.

After that well considered and scientifically quoting CarsonDr Ben Carson made his well considered and scientific quote that prisons make you gay, well, we could not have warranted the response.  Thousands upon thousands of breeders have been shop lifting soccer balls, beating up security guards in the street, burning random flags and turning themselves in all in the hope of having their sexual misfortunes changed in prison.  Yes, straight people are flocking to prisons to turn gay.

The Ministry of course does not condone or accept chaos IN ANY FORM.  Its messy, bad bad BAD!!!   The other day the Mail Boy was wearing a tie with too many stripes, I mean, for GODS SAKE!!

cebu-prison-81Being the humanatarium, righteous and proactive Ministry that we are, we have henceforth bought up as many prisons as we can find.  Gay prisons of course. Why make it so hard to be gay we say.  Just let these poor sexually strugglers in for free!!  Pop in for a spell of incarceration. Come, be merry, its all fun and fairyment here!

Good Gay!



We Are Gay Too!!

Isn’t the most important thing our sexuality?  I ask of course I know because I set the policy at the Ministry of Homosexual Affairs – well of course it bloody is. We are gay gay gay and gay.  We are gay when we drink our coffee, gay when when we get our nose hairs clipped, gay when we sharpen our pencils, gay when we pay our bills and gay when we clean lint of our starched Ministry jackets.

Jase Peeples a writer at a gay gay magazine called The Advocate wrote an op ed about naming our sexuality.  We should shout it from the roof tops he argues.  Here here and here.  Absolutely! Which is why the Ministry has recently advocated for the advocation of other particpiants in our society – yes objects.  smalldogThere are objects in our world that arn’t able to proclaim their whole-being sexual identity.  We are fighting hard at the Ministry to mandate sexual identity signs for all those who can’t talk for themselves: speedos, macaroons, The Sound of Music, small dogs, gay best friends, New York, cooking, sex, sex in kitchens.  All these things are gay gay gay.

Please read the full article here:


Good Gay!

First Reported Lesbians in South Korea – Ever!

There was a loud, rapturous show of applause in the Ministry of Homosexual Affair’s Gay Recruitment Asia division.  Hands slapped backs accompanied by high pitched air kissing to make it appropriately gay as the news hit the Ministry of our success in the East Asian country of South Korea.  What’s South Korea I hear you say?  Admittedly I had to look on a map – apparently South Korea is not North Korea where sadly, they have many other things to think about other than a sexual revolution such as not dying.

South Korea formally famous for cabbage is also now also known for its lesbians.  Yes we here at the Ministry, under my careful, caring tutelage have created our first lesbians ever in this formally and sadly, grey and straight society.  Evidence for our humble ground breaking success came in the form of a kiss on a Korean TV drama.  korean-lesbians-movie-memento-moriYes, they were our lesbians – I feel I was right there with them (but not actually kissing them because that would be just yucky).  Our East Asian Division have infiltrated the country at every level – oh I hear you ask, the President of South Korea is an unmarried woman who dresses badly – well well well, wink wink wink.

Along with having McDonalds insert pink beets into their hamburgers and inventing the rhinestone studded condom, we feel this is just another success by the Ministry and its righteous mission.  There has been controversy of course in the country.  Breeders up and down the country are jumping up and down of their flabby bottoms decrying the advent of ‘the lesbian’.  You can be assured that these sad, utterly depressing creatures who have yet to discover their true gay selves will soon receive a visit from the Ministry’s Gay Recruitment Team.

South Korea – the Gay Agenda is coming your way.

Good Gay!

(Click here for more South Korean Lesbian news and some yucky lesbian kissing)