Down and Out
My name is Angela Bottomsbury and I was so surprised that the Minister asked me to speak. I mean my story is not really that exciting. I know he has helped so many people over the years – I’m not sure how many I mean he seems quite old. But anyway, well, I have to admit I was in a hetrosexual relationship – married if you must. I know, it seems terribly old fashioned now and I am ashamed to admit but it is who I am and, I know I will be proud of it at some stage.
His name was Bob and he was a golf ball salesperson. I always knew there was a much better life waiting for me but, well you, know I just jumped into it because he asked me. For 11 years it was horrible I mean we had no cats and I never once got to ride a motorbike. And then the unthinkable happened – I bought a microwave. It was then that I new I had to change and while watching a 2:13 am infomercial about self closing plastic packaging I saw the Minister and all his polyester glory. Since then I have never looked back.
It was the gay hypnotism recruitment technique carried out by a highly trained MOHA staff member who before the technique I would have thought looked quite hot in his shiny tailored suit – of course he wouldn’t have been suited for me even before the change, ha ha. For lesbians they swing a purple dream catcher in front of your eyes – in a couple of seconds my whole life changed.
Thank you Minister.
There was this stand in the middle of a shopping mall right and I didn’t quite understand what it was. Now I know it was one of the MOHA Gay Recruitment pop-up stand. My girl friend at the time Laura actually suggested I go.
Now I need to set the scene – I was het all the way. Played rugby, sought out the worst beer possible and drunk it past its used by date. Hell I even bashed Laura at least once a day to keep up appearances. Straight as a straight line could be me.
I remember it clearly. We were all laughing, the electro shock gay recruitment strategy didn’t work. They even bought in the spinning mirror ball, strobe light and Donna Summer booster pack and it didn’t do a thing. I knew I couldn’t change – straight as a door knob me.
And then it happened. It took just one photo of Nick Jonas and I was set for my life. My arms flew into the air with a huge big gay cry. My hand went limp and the sibilance began – ‘girl’ I said to Laura ‘someone’s got to take you shopping and that body wave has got to go’.
Epilogue: actually now Laura and I are best of friends. She didn’t take too long to adjust from girl friend to fag hag. Probably because she looks so much better and her multiple boy friend are HOT HOT HOT.