It turns out it won’t be raining on this year’s gay parade in the country of Seoul which is situated in Asia just west of Greenland. Apparently there were a lot of upset people who got their cheap underwear in a big old twist about this little meander through Seoul’s grey but soon to be gay streets. Apparently these very upset people managed to have the authorities ban this year’s parade. Well, you should have heard them. There were roars, screams, crying, more tantrums than a day care centre and some not very ministerial language at all. Tut tut tut, there, there, there straight people, it will be all right – the minister is here.
I of course had the Ministry of Homosexual Affairs research division head down and canvas some of these puffing opponents. It turns out their red faced ranting is due to a severe case of good, old fashioned jealousy. Yes my breeding cousins, the Ministry understands you.
Given the minority status of straight people in our homonormative world, I thought I would use my well considered but hardly ever used platform to give some back ground to the plight of these poor and disgruntled.
Straight Parade History 101
It all begin about the time of Stonewall in New York, circa 1969. If you look at photos then you will realize that the whole world was black and white. But then along came the gays. So entertaining, vibrant and outrageously naughty were their parades the world became filled with colour (its true just look at all the photos taken in the 70’s – all colour). The straights of course got very jealous – ‘but what about us?” They screamed. ‘What about our rights and our identity’ they haughtily hooted.
So not to be beaten they created their own parade. The problem was, these poor hapless pedestrains didn’t have the highly effective cliches we had – ‘people on bikes’, ‘cheerpeople’, ‘sailor people’ and ‘dancing people’ just didn’t have the same dramatic thrust to them. Yes, we gays certainly do have the monopoly on fun and effective cliches. And then of course there was the branding – ‘We’re straight and we’re here’ just does not fall from the tongue gracefully now does it. They did try ‘we’re straight and we’re mates’ but that sounded too gay. So they were in a gigantic feces shaped muddle.
When they eventually did have their parade it was a total disaster. Yes the streets were full but pedestrians and paraders couldn’t tell the difference between each other. You see, all straight people look the same. It might as well had been just another day.
So the Straight Parade Committee held a post disaster meeting. Heads were scratched, perplexed looks were had and many tears fell on the vinyl floor, but to no avail, they all might as well have been white walls standing in front of other white walls and as useful as a pencil at a meeting of computer keyboards.
But one brave soul stood up amongst the doldrum of despair and said something that will go down in straight history for ever – ‘we have 364 days of straight parades’. This modern marvel of straightness had hit the nail right on the head – everyday is a straight parade. From that day on, the straights were happy, because, you see they knew they could walk outside, hold their heads high in the understanding that for 364 days a year, 24 hours a day, they could always celebrate their straightness, as undefined and boring as that was. Everyday is a straight parade.
The 2015 Seoul GLBTQ Pride Parade
We at the Ministry send our most sincere condolences to you straight people. It must be tortuous knowing you are a dying, unpopular and hugely unfashionable culture, but, might you also get this message. I am sure you were a tad peeved off that a Seoul district court saw fit to throw out the ban on the gay parade – apparently it wasn’t dangerous to the public after all.
Please don’t be jealous however, you have all the time in the world to hold you own parade and celebrate your own straightness and identity – such as it is. Perhaps you might like to choose another time to do this and not get so envious. Last year, God, who is nearly as important as me, chose not to precipitate on the gay parade. In fact, given the golden sunshine I would say he was rather pleased with it.
You have 364 days in the year to old your own straight parade. All you have to do is leave the house.