Being Gay helps Fight off Dementia, Alzheimer’s Disease: Study

keep-calm-and-sing-show-tunes-6Its official, researchers have confirmed the blinkin obvious that being gay will stop you from dying.  Its all true, I am not dead yet – I am proof.  Its all very simple all you have to do is sing show tunes.  Show tunes are gay as are small dogs, wardrobes, cliches and anything bought from Ikea.  If there is not Ikea in your country – you are in straight hell. Therefore, the link is quite simple.

Click here to find out how you can be gay and live longer.


My Husband’s Not Gay – But He Could Be

Could your husband be gay even if he wasn’t?  I don’t have a husband, it would distract from my all important Ministerial work but if I did, he most definitely could be and most probably, indefinitely might not be.

Recently a lot of fuss and nonsense has surrounded the Mormon reality show ‘My Husband’s Not Gay’, which profiles straight woman and their gay husbands who insist that they most definitely could be, probably straight if they weren’t gay or something like that.  Its all confusing really.

And then George Takei decided to add to this quality television idea with a gay version, or perhaps a straight version of a gay reality show – oh I don’t know. His show is called ‘My Husband’s Not Straight’ which details poor, lost straight souls being saved into gay alliances.

God bless.

Of course, stuff and nonsense aside, both George Takei and the Mormons are absolutely and completely right.  Its just as simple and relatively straight forward to make a gay straight as it is for gays to bend straights.

As I have outlined before in official Ministry blogs, our full proof  gay recruitment techniques are 100% effective.  I strongly urge you to read up on our ‘Gay Recruitment’ page of some of these advanced techniques.

If we’re doing it, why shouldn’t the Mormons?

Good gay!


A Straight Review of 2014

Gay group allowed to march in NY Saint Patrick Days Parade

Gay group allowed to march in NY Saint Patrick Days Parade

2014 has been an absolutely brilliant year for gay rights what with gay marriage marching across the United States like rabid ants, Saint Patrick  acknowledging gay leprechauns on his birthday parade and Michael Sam, the first openly gay football player in the U.S flaunting a kiss with his boyfriend for all the world to see, its been downright fabulous.  Yes, yes, yes YES, its all been just spiffing but what about those poor down and out white picket fence dwellers hiding in the suburbs?

In consequence, I thought it was time for the Ministry of Homosexual Affairs to officially review the trials and tribulations our straight cousins (yes we really do treat them equally) have faced in 2014.  It was of course a particularly horrific year for these gender challenged members of our global community.  Here is the top 5 straight tragedies of the year:

As if the Boy Scouts Weren’t Already as Pink as a Pink Thing

lmumjy8qcuqf7ntprxovOn January 1st of 2014 the Boy Scouts of America allowed openly gay youth to become members.  Yowser, yowser yippity doo –  great news for gays but isn’t there anywhere that straight people can go to be reminded that they aren’t gay?

horse_1456083iIts Brass Monkeys in Sochi Only if the Monkeys are Straight

You would have heard all the rabble about Sochi. We certainly did here when Putin, not prancing around on a horse looking like the Marlboro Man with his shirt off, voiced his distasted for all things straight.  I mean why else would he positively legislate that only straight people are allowed to freeze their baby rattles off whilst competing on plastic planks in the middle of the snow?  Should we not all freeze in solidarity?

Transgendered Transvestited Transformers in Transilvania – What’s Next? 

Transgendered Activist Laverne Cox on Netflix's 'Orange is the New Black'

Transgendered Activist Laverne Cox on Netflix’s ‘Orange is the New Black’

Our poor poor eternally and terminally linear brothers and arms.  Their mainstream status is in dire danger of becoming minority.  Now that gay agenda is charging along full throttle, the more genderlly diverse are coming out of the wood work.  Now we are seeing men who look like women on mainstream TV, men who look like women but with moustache’s who win Eurovision and men who look like women who look like students being allowed into schools in the U.S.A.  I mean what’s next to join the fray?  Are we going to see vegan, acrylic, pseudo religious teddy bears with spinach allergies and eating disorders begin their own campaign?

I suggest a minority register.  Anyone who is a minority must sign a register.  Every year a ballot is drawn and only that minority is able to make a stink and fuss.  In the case that someone is more than one minority at any one time they must choose to make it easier for the mainstream.

Arizona Antigay Religious Liberties Law Vetoed Hinders Good Old Fashioned Capitalism

I for one feel its important to know everyone’s sexuality.  But some have the dammed annoying tendency to not look like their sexuality.  Lesbians who don’t wear purple Crocs, for instance, should be fined for making life that much harder for everyone who is not them.  Yes the Arizona Religious Liberties Law would have made it legal for religious shop owners to not sell their wares to gay people.  And yes, I don’t think I would want to buy my doughnut from some gay hating red neck hiding behind religion to justify their own torrid hatred.  But, good sense aside, in one foul swoop, Govenor Jan Brewer pulled the bottom of the market out from under the highly useful ‘Gay O Metre’.  This wonderful device would have detected one’s sexuality from 10 paces away no matter how non sexual they are.  Just wonderful. Now, how are we to know?  I mean really, yes its all very hateful to ban people from your store according to their sexuality, but its good business!!! gayometer

What Are We Supposed to Panic about Now?

Perhaps the worst development for our breeding population came on September the  27th of 2014 with the removal of the Gay Panic Defense in California. This was the result of some murders becoming officially manslaughteresses citing ‘trans panic’ or ‘gay panic’ as their reason to manslaughter when they were shocked to find out that the person they were going to manslaughter had the gall to not to be straight.   Its amazing what  a good shock can do – I nearly manslaughtered my man servant the other day when he had the audacity to cut his hair in the shape of a hair cut.  Such a shock, I nearly didn’t recognise him.

funny-protest-signIt is of course now 2015 and while fighting for and celebrating hard won gay achievements please spare a though for those who are not us living in the hell that is the mainstream.

Good Gay



Eminem Not Straight

Recently rapper Eminem confirmed the awful rumours that he wasn’t straight.  I know it because it was in a movie called The Interview about 2 reputable journalists eminem-660x400who travel to North Korea, that wonderful paragon of discipline, and conduct an interview with its country’s inspirational king Kim Jong Il.  I have learnt that everything I see in a movie is true. Eminem is not, not gay.

Thank god. Imagine if someone in that vibrant, peaceful, positive, and homosexual rap industry was a raving straight lunatic.  I mean none of the Ministry staff can’t rap because they are not straight which just confirms it – straight people can’t rap.  Screen Shot 2014-12-26 at 10.36.49 AM

The superman of the gay rap world has gone in front of millions and said my name is Eminem and I am not straight.  As a close personal friend of Eminem I know he is not afraid.  While cleaning out my closet the other day I thought about the real Slim Shady and what he managed to achieve without me.    Of course if he had not confronted the awful rumors he would have to smack that, the monster and he might have gone berserk. It might be time to crack open a bottle but don’t shake that too much or you might lose it.  In such a case an Encore would not be warranted.

Eminem, you are an inspiration to all of us not straight people everywhere.



Is Gay Blood Gay?

GiveBloodGiveLife-NewcopyRecently in a place called America, the top half of it, well below Canada, gay men can’t give blood. This is because all gay men have HIV Aids which is a disease that straight people don’t get – lucky them.  I myself don’t have it although I did have dinner with a chap once who had spoken to a lady who’s dog was groomed by a man whose mother was a man who saw another man who went to a park and sat down at a park bench recently vacated by a beagle who reportedly had HIV Aids, once, at some point in his life.

blood-donor_1991408cMembers of Congress in America are getting all excited telling the Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Mathews Burwell to end this policy which was apparently instituted the last time I went to a hygienist to clean my teeth in 1983.

The Ministry had communicative intercourse with Ms Burwell who told us, and I quote “glump whump, doo daa diddy can I have a cup of tea”.  It didn’t make much sense to me but then I have a low threshold for logic made using synthetic products in a sweat shop run by drunk Koalas.

15.lgbt20web20dontat20red20logoOf course we at the Ministry of Homosexual Affairs would like to pursue this important news further so I asked the Ministry’s Enforcement of Ridiculous Stereotypes Department to find out if there were any more issues with gay blood.  Full disclosure is of course important.

Gay blood is apparently gay.  However, only in small amounts.  There is of course the thorny HIV issue but also if one doesn’t want to be gay (can’t understand why, the weather is so much better) then they should only use one pint, every other day but Sunday last week on a Wednesday.  The good news is if they go over this point and, were, for example to use another pint on Monday at 4:33 they would start to be gay but not entirely gay.  Symptoms include interior decorating, a heightened appreciation of Kpop and all round fabulousness but only in small amounts.

Looking5_4In the unlikely event that more blood was used or it had came from a chap named Phillip (that is such a gay name)  then one would start to dance naked to Rhianna, get really angry about too much salt on his crackers and download the entire series of HBO’s Looking, watch it in a weekend and get sooooooo emotional about Patrick and Richie’s relationship.

We hope this helps.

Good gay!


Scarves: The Modern Fashion Mystery of the Decade.

Life In The Fag Lane

Well, it’s that time of year again. It’s cold, it’s snowy, it’s winter weather. More importantly, though, it’s winter fashion!

My favorite styles are ones particularly popular during the colder seasons. I love boots, cute hats and stylish winter coats. I mean, the whole 9, pretty much. But, one of my favorite styles of the winter season are scarves. Oh, I just LOVE wearing scarves. I love the way they look wrapped under a winter coat. I love the way they look with a nice sweater. Just, anything that has to do with scarves, I love — Except how to fucking wear one!! As long as I’ve been into scarves and winter fashion I have been perplexed as to how to tie a scarf and how men should be wearing scarves to best compliment their clothing. So, I did a little research just to see if they way I’ve been…

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Breaking News: There Are Gays in Korea!

I’m absolutely peeved that we at the Ministry could have missed this one.  My most trusted dept, the Research Dept have disappointed me.  Firings will ensue forewith!!!  Except of course for Dave the paper filer boy because he gives good massages.

gaypride2Anyway, we at the Ministry have just found out there are gays in Korea!!  Yes its true.  Apparently they have been there for awhile.  Our Research Dept have of course been told verbatim by the Koreans that there were no gay in Korea – who were we to know better.

As it transpires they have been there for awhile popping up in TV dramas and films as well as owning businesses, walking dogs, cleaning teeth and drinking decaf coffee.  They have been of late, protesting (an awfully unfashionable activity that the Ministry does not condone) to have their rights heard by the Mayor.  They want a human rights charter that actually includes mention of gays.  We will keep you in touch with how this goes once Dave hires his new team.

Good gay!