I never wanted to get married. But I am perfectly and spiffingly ok with others getting married, even breeders. Not of course for those working in the hallowed halls of the Ministry – now thats just silly, MOHA staff are far too busy. However, for anyone else – yes.
So it strikes me a bit strange that the conservative Christians in South Korea of late have been a tad anxious. I myself, the Minister of Homosexual Affairs was taking a stroll in the city of South Korea the other day as my MOHA litter division were taking a pesky government mandated tea break. And to my shock and surprise I saw these conservative Christians getting their over sized cream coloured knickers in a twist. They were walking down the road, holding placards, carrying banners and they seemed a bit angry. They were of course preaching love as these types of people are apt to do but then so does a dragon smile at your before it unleashes its fire.
What I heard from these intimidating yet sexually insecure people was quite extraordinary. Apparently if gay marriage happens all sorts of other terrible things will also happen. So, I went back to the Ministry’s research division, and had them get their beakers and bunsen burners on the case to look into these future catastrophic events.
Here is their research results:
1) ‘The Sky Will Fall in’ – actually there have been rather a lot of countries such as Canada, Belgium, Sweden, South Africa, Uruguay, New Zealand, Portugal, Iceland Argentina – just to name a few who have gay marriage. Apparently we all share the same sky so my researchers tell me. So that should answer that question.
2) ‘You don’t have to get a gay marriage’ – if you are not gay (God knows why you wouldn’t want to be but if you do, just give the Ministry’s Gay Recruitment Team a call and they will be round in a jiffy) you actually don’t have to get a gay marriage. This applies if you are not already married – you won’t be forced to get a gay wedding, and if you are already married to the opposite sex – you won’t be made to divorce. I am told that if your marriage is already a tad messy like the fried ministerial egg that dropped on the floor as I was depositing it from my spatula to my plate, gay marriage will not make it any worse.
3) ‘Think of the children’ – shockingly, all children are born when a man and a woman hold their pinkies together. Even gay people were conceived the same way. My research division tells me this won’t change if we have gay marriage. In the case of adoption if two women adopt a child and that child becomes gay because of social modelling, well, it seems to me that being straight too then would also be a case of social modelling. Whatever the case, my research team also tell me that straight people also don’t have a monopoly on good parenting, in fact quite the opposite. Gay parents choose to have children which means they have prepared very well and have taken at least 3 trips to Ikea before the stalk drops around.
4) It Will Destroy the Sanctity of the Institution of Marriage – see point 2
5) Marriage is Traditionally between a Man and a Woman and if You Don’t Believe that Argument then ‘Marriage is a Religious Institution’ – its like saying that because we have always had murders in society we should keep it up. Since these conservative Christians are holding, fists clenched, to straight marriage we should also point out that wife beating and wife slavery is also ‘traditional’. Cleaning our teeth is not traditional yet the Ministry’s Teeth Division recommend that you should brush at least once a month. As for religion, well, I am ably told by my research division that marriage transcends history, culture, ethnicity and yes religion. We have always had it whether religion was around peaking its pesky head above the ramparts, or not. We will also always have marriage whether gays get married or not.