2014 has been an absolutely brilliant year for gay rights what with gay marriage marching across the United States like rabid ants, Saint Patrick acknowledging gay leprechauns on his birthday parade and Michael Sam, the first openly gay football player in the U.S flaunting a kiss with his boyfriend for all the world to see, its been downright fabulous. Yes, yes, yes YES, its all been just spiffing but what about those poor down and out white picket fence dwellers hiding in the suburbs?
In consequence, I thought it was time for the Ministry of Homosexual Affairs to officially review the trials and tribulations our straight cousins (yes we really do treat them equally) have faced in 2014. It was of course a particularly horrific year for these gender challenged members of our global community. Here is the top 5 straight tragedies of the year:
As if the Boy Scouts Weren’t Already as Pink as a Pink Thing
On January 1st of 2014 the Boy Scouts of America allowed openly gay youth to become members. Yowser, yowser yippity doo – great news for gays but isn’t there anywhere that straight people can go to be reminded that they aren’t gay?
You would have heard all the rabble about Sochi. We certainly did here when Putin, not prancing around on a horse looking like the Marlboro Man with his shirt off, voiced his distasted for all things straight. I mean why else would he positively legislate that only straight people are allowed to freeze their baby rattles off whilst competing on plastic planks in the middle of the snow? Should we not all freeze in solidarity?
Transgendered Transvestited Transformers in Transilvania – What’s Next?
Our poor poor eternally and terminally linear brothers and arms. Their mainstream status is in dire danger of becoming minority. Now that gay agenda is charging along full throttle, the more genderlly diverse are coming out of the wood work. Now we are seeing men who look like women on mainstream TV, men who look like women but with moustache’s who win Eurovision and men who look like women who look like students being allowed into schools in the U.S.A. I mean what’s next to join the fray? Are we going to see vegan, acrylic, pseudo religious teddy bears with spinach allergies and eating disorders begin their own campaign?
I suggest a minority register. Anyone who is a minority must sign a register. Every year a ballot is drawn and only that minority is able to make a stink and fuss. In the case that someone is more than one minority at any one time they must choose to make it easier for the mainstream.
Arizona Antigay Religious Liberties Law Vetoed Hinders Good Old Fashioned Capitalism
I for one feel its important to know everyone’s sexuality. But some have the dammed annoying tendency to not look like their sexuality. Lesbians who don’t wear purple Crocs, for instance, should be fined for making life that much harder for everyone who is not them. Yes the Arizona Religious Liberties Law would have made it legal for religious shop owners to not sell their wares to gay people. And yes, I don’t think I would want to buy my doughnut from some gay hating red neck hiding behind religion to justify their own torrid hatred. But, good sense aside, in one foul swoop, Govenor Jan Brewer pulled the bottom of the market out from under the highly useful ‘Gay O Metre’. This wonderful device would have detected one’s sexuality from 10 paces away no matter how non sexual they are. Just wonderful. Now, how are we to know? I mean really, yes its all very hateful to ban people from your store according to their sexuality, but its good business!!!
What Are We Supposed to Panic about Now?
Perhaps the worst development for our breeding population came on September the 27th of 2014 with the removal of the Gay Panic Defense in California. This was the result of some murders becoming officially manslaughteresses citing ‘trans panic’ or ‘gay panic’ as their reason to manslaughter when they were shocked to find out that the person they were going to manslaughter had the gall to not to be straight. Its amazing what a good shock can do – I nearly manslaughtered my man servant the other day when he had the audacity to cut his hair in the shape of a hair cut. Such a shock, I nearly didn’t recognise him.