NB: There is a poll at the end of this post that readers must take. By order of the Minister – Good Gay!
Our Research Dept have alerted myself, the all important Minister to this piece of news published by the highly conservative and colour coordinated website ‘Pink News’:
Its thrown up an interesting question for us here at the Ministry and the fine work we do – can we cure lesbians too? Well, I have pondered and thought about this, my contention is that it would be quite difficult to make lesbians gay. Given that all the armed forces are gay – I mean really, could a straight man keep that suit so white, and khaki green is just so in (so my fashion dept tell me) – I don’t think they would have the time given they have to keep pressing their fighting suit uniform thingees.
The lovely Mr Rehyansky goes on to write: “it fell to men to swing through the trees and scour the caves in search of as many women as possible to subdue and impregnate – a tough job but someone had to do it”. Of course Mr Rehyansky is getting a tad exuberant with his writing, I mean really, could those lovely starched fatigues allow one the ability to swing through the trees? It really is a tough job – so fatiguing. They are a touch tight around the bottom area of the bottom. And those khaki pants and jackets would just disappear in the over growth. Khaki is the new green (or so my fashion dept tell me) so really, whats the point of wearing your prêt à porter ready for combat fashion battle uniforms if no one can see you???
As for the word ‘impregnate‘. I have had my Linguistic Dept look over the word and here are some of the meanings;
1) to make pregnant; get with child or young.
2) to fertilize.
3) to cause to be infused or permeated throughout, as with a substance; saturate: to impregnate a handkerchief with cheap perfume.
4) to fill interstices with a substance.
5) to furnish with some actuating or modifying element infused or introduced; imbue, infect; tincture.
Right, now, this is where it gets tricky and damm well difficult. Clearly Mr Rehyansky and all of his academic intentions could clearly not have meant meanings 1 and 2 as that would make him a raving, fundamentalist, bible bashing, ignorant, misogynistic cretin who couldn’t even butter his morning scones (or so my Morning Breakfast Dept tell me). Number 3 is clearly not possible as no gay man in his right man would ever purchase cheap perfume. Lastly is meaning number 4. Well we at the ministry have no idea what ‘interstices’ means – I mean really, why invent such silly words that don’t mean anything!
No, its far more likely that the invite-him-home-to-meet-your-mother Mr Rehyansky is talking about meaning number 5. Where we give lesbians a gentle shove to the pink side. This of course brings us back to our original point – can that fluorescent pink organisation the armed forces actually make lesbians gay?
My research dept tells me that it would be possible if they weren’t gay in the first place!!!
I’m going home to my office for a stiff Earl Grey – this job is so difficult. Your lucky I am doing this job and not you.
The Ministry of Homosexual Affairs’ Research Dept is confused too. Please take this poll to improve the good work we do.